New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
