The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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