laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
