my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
