If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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