Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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