I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
