can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
