her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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