I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
