Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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