you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
