i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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