My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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