11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize