I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
