i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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