I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
