she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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