awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
