I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
