i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
