Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
