I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
