you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
