you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
