There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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