We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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