I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
