These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
