Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My bed smells like the plague
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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