Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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