I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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