Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
