She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
