When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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