When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
