Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
