the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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