if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
