Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
