It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
