Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
