You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
