Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
