Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i wish my penis had a tongue
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize