life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
