sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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