Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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