Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
