I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
