dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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