I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
