Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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