it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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