Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
