How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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