speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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