Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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